It’s not me, it’s you – blame game
It’s not me, it’s you – blame game
<Warning. This may contain sexual or graphic details depending on your interpretation. Then again, I may just be talking about food. Please stop reading here if you are not comfortable to proceed.>
‘I can’t hold it anymore, you are going to make me lose it…oh my god’, the Michelin star chef exclaimed as he pulled out, and sprayed his hot thick cream all over my peach. After letting him gently caress and wipe the mess, I rolled over to be closer to him ‘I want to feel you closer’. He replied by opening his arms wide open without speaking a word to let me dive into his heart. At that moment in time, he looked more attractive to me than the hot Swedish actor Alexander Skarsgaard. I thought he was beautiful. His whole being. I can just about make out the outline of his shoulder in the dark, against the pale grey wall with only the curious moonlight visiting through the side chink of the blind, casting ethereal otherworldly glow to anything that it coated with its fairy dust. For some reason, I can’t escape this scene replaying in my mind-cinema on repeat recently. I am a prisoner of my own mind.
Hey you, been a while since my last update. So, I’ve been dating someone for just over two months…but it’s not with this Michelin star chef, and I should technically still be enjoying the honeymoon period, but instead I am already contemplating getting out of the relationship. It’s a bad sign for me if I am fantasising about someone else from the past on a regular basis who is not even a realistic prospect, when I should be thinking about the person I am dating. Has this happened to you too? This usually means there is a problem in the relationship I need to work on, or I am no longer attracted to the person. Or maybe both? There were so many red flags that indicated he may not be right for me, but I kept telling myself I should be patient, and give people a chance, but it’s reached a point where I was just unhappy staying. Have you dated someone who was insecure and not capable, and because they didn’t know how to resolve a problem themselves, they get angry at you instead? No word of appreciation, but he just assumed that I would accept him playing happy family with his ex and daughter on holiday in Italy over Easter. I have not said a word, because he has booked it before we reconnected, and of course, I want the best for his daughter, so I thought it would be unfair to say anything about it, but at least he can be thankful that I am not petty or needy. However, when I saw him briefly one evening when he came back to London with the ‘family’ and the ex’s cousins and their children to stay at his house in Kensington, on hearing more detail, it turns out this Easter trip was quite large scale where he invited the ex’s grandmothers as well and involving all the ex’s family. Er...not just the ex, but so many of ex’s family involved too, it’s almost like he already has a wife, or rather a tribe. Does he even need a separate girlfriend? He must be confused what his ultimate goal is. If he wants a girlfriend, he must set out his life to be ready to have a relationship, or offer an incentive for her to stay as relationship should not feel like charity where one person sacrifices more than the other person. He had not even thanked me for being patient and hardly in touch for many days over Easter. At the end of the evening, as his friend asked me if I met his daughter yet during dinner, I said I will leave it up to him if and when I meet the daughter as it is not something to take lightly and that I trust his judgement on this. When we were alone later, he said unfortunately there is hardly any space even for him to spend alone time with his daughter, let alone a third party like me to come into the picture. Hmmm, I am not a jealous person, and was happy to embrace his daughter, but it sounds like he wants to segregate me to be useful in only one part of his life. Convenient for him, but does he think what is best for me? The situation about not being able to have alone time with his daughter is his problem, not mine. He shouldn’t play victim. It just seems to indicate he is not capable of asserting his authority and right as a father, and is letting his ex dictate the terms and conditions, and just blaming her. Objectively speaking, do I even need to have all these problems that are not mine? I should cancel the date tomorrow night, as I don’t feel excited about seeing him, but I have a few questions to ask before I make the final decision, to at least give him the benefit of the doubt, and give it a go if the outcome is positive, because nobody is perfect and they should at least have their say before I judge them too harshly.
***
‘Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it’ Mark Twain
I am looking forward to hearing all about the perfumes when you have read this book. Love Tom
***
‘Has he already done something wrong to ask for forgiveness? Haha!’ joked Flora after I showed her what Tom wrote inside a book he gave me. A hardback about the history of perfume.
Bianca was cooing as if holding up a newborn baby ‘Awww, that is such a thoughtful gift. It’s more personal than being given more expensive but thoughtless gifts. I am so jealous. You seem to have found someone special. He could be The One. Haha. I am so happy for you…but why aren’t you excited or into him. He is hot, successful, perfect age at 47 to your 42, educated and you guys can talk about the arts, classical music, properties and he wants a relationship with you.’
‘…is it sexual incompatibility?’ Flora asks.
‘Well, it’s slightly more complicated than that. Don’t really want to go into details tonight.’
‘Yeah, if you don’t want him, I’ll date him for sure.’ Flora sounded half serious.
It’s not about the tick list for me. Indeed, Tom is a former GQ ‘entrepreneur of the year’, recently launched a new property business, with the look that makes women comment that he is ‘hot’, ‘smoking’ or even ‘I didn’t even know God made men like this these days’. If he was a cocktail, he will be 1/3 Elle McPherson’s ex Arpad Busson, 1/3 Jon Snow from Game of Thrones, 1/3 Liz Hurley’s ex Arun Nayer, with a dash of volatile agent to set everything on fire. Add a couple of berries on top if you like. How I got back in touch with him after two years? It was when I started writing my blog, I reflected on people I went on dates with, and I remembered that he was one of the rare people who was honest and upfront about having a young daughter and focused on enjoying my company, unlike many men you meet online who lie and pretend to be something they are not and are more interested in what they can get out of me. I respected the fact that he is a dedicated father too. I got annoyed that contrary to how open and honest he was on the first date, he started to show off a lot on the second date about material things, and showing me off to his friends, talking proudly about how he got one of his ex-girlfriends so mad one time that she squirted ketchup all over him, as if it is a badge of honour. I told him I am not interested in the things he seems to be interested in, and just want to be friends as he was rushing everything. He got angry saying ‘This is karma. I am now paying back for all the girls I rejected in the past heartlessly, and the only girl I have liked in many years is now rejecting me. The reason you don’t want to be my girlfriend is because you must have met someone else.’ How do you reply to a text like that, from someone you only met twice? I’ve been naughty, so I ignored him. Hehe. ;) If something so petty is going to set him off, how is he going to handle bigger problems. I thought his not empathising about how his actions lead me to come to my decision, and blaming me instead of trying to convince me that he is the right man is too childish. He could have been my friend and see how things developed naturally, but I had to decide there and then if I wanted to be his girlfriend or not. To be fair to him, at the time, I was on a rampage of rejecting everyone who came too close to me. When I had a session of counselling about why I can’t form a bond or feel emotionally connected with men in the past few years, he said it’s because of the trauma of being attacked and subsequently losing a baby (See my previous article entitled ‘Why are you single?’) I built up this wall, and have rejected everyone who came too close including people who might be right for me. Maybe I’m a bit fucked up? He advised me that I should understand that I need to take things slow, but at the same time, I should be more patient with people I date too and give these men a chance. I thought maybe I was being unfair to him two years ago, and it’s time for me not to be scared to be vulnerable. There is no harm in being friends, so I texted him.
***
‘I respect you for having rejected me two years ago, because I was a dickhead. I am sorry I showed off too much about material things. It’s because I thought being just myself was not enough. You are right, I can’t be anyone else but myself. But do you even realise what you look like? I was intimidated by you, I mean you are beautiful, intelligent, interesting, sexy and I was shit scared.’ Tom said over a mid-night snack in China Town after drinks at the Groucho Club on the night we reconnected.
‘Er…it is very kind of you, but I am a normal human being, and pick my nose and stuff. And you’ve only seen me in make-up. You might be talking to a goblin in disguise.’ Me in my little black lace dress with a side slit, made a silly face.
‘Ahaha, now I know you are a cute person, but I thought you would not even consider me. To tell you the truth, I even told my friends from back home that I met someone special after our first date, so it was awkward you stopped talking to me. Glad I haven’t seen them for two years.’
***
Tom vigorously introduced me to his friends and his business partners from our first date since we reconnected. I complained to him that I would like us to get to know each other first before getting other people involved, as it is very tiring for me to be surrounded by all these strangers and not giving us any chance to know who we really are, let alone be intimate. It comes across that he likes the idea of me, without really knowing who I am. The cynical part of me thought he is more interested in keeping up appearances to prove he is no longer the sole singleton to be pitied, using me as a way to prove his self-worth, as if I am a new sports car he acquired without focusing on the core, which is building a connection...or put more simply, I just wanted to get laid. And I thought it was rather amusing, because I am not exactly a young 20-year-old fashion model. But the new more kind and upbeat side of me (Peach version 2017) thought, I should be patient, and see it as a cute boyish thing to do, and I should appreciate that he sees me as a coveted prize to show off to people. I thought it is better than someone who hides you away in the cupboard. I decided not to dwell on this and just give it a proper go.
***
As I mentioned, I wanted to focus on having fun and building a connection. I’m generally an independent person, and easily keep myself amused for hours if you want to pursue your own hobby or busy with work, so when he said he needs to work over the weekend, I said no worries, and made plans to see friends. If anything, I thought that is a positive quality about me, so I didn’t expect the kind of reaction I got from him. Has the passive aggressive approach ever worked beyond the age of 18? He contacted me late on Friday evening saying that he actually managed to finish work earlier and would be free on Saturday. I texted back that I am out having dinner with friends right now, and unfortunately already made plans for Saturday because I thought he was busy, but would be free to do dinner. Told it as it is. No answer. I was in the middle of dinner with friends anyway, and didn’t take much notice. Next morning, there was still no reply. Not a big deal. I texted him that because the weather is nice, we can go for a walk along the river and eat something in Borough Market. Whatsapp showed that he read the message. Still no answer. Oh well, I’m meeting my friend to go to the park and gallery and catch up before he moves to Denmark so I’ll leave it for now, and am sure Tom will get back in due course, as he is the one who asked to see me. 5pm. Still no reply. My friend was getting a bit peckish and suggested having dinner together. As I kept the evening free for Tom, I didn’t want to organise something without talking to him first. I called him. He doesn’t pick up the phone. Well, I tried everything. Comes across as though he is not pleased that I didn’t drop everything to accommodate him, and is now ignoring me as my messages had ‘read’ blue ticks. First of all, I don’t deserve to be ‘punished’ for making plans as it was him who said he is busy. I am not rejecting him, but offering the time I am available. I am disappointed that he naively thinks this is how he can control someone to behave the way he wants them to. Comes across as extremely insecure. I am not going to cry or beg for him to please spend time with me. I just find it odd and inconsiderate, even starting to think he might have some psychological problem. At 8:30pm, he texts asking ‘How are you? Are your ears burning?’ My beanie-wearing (after he lost his Vivienne Westwood hat) creative friend Pharrell is only 24, but he is wise beyond his age. All our friends love him also. As we sat at dinner in Wagamama canteen, I was asking him for advice regarding how to reply to this last text message. Very odd. No reference or apology for not responding about the dinner plan.
‘You don’t need to lower yourself to his level. Just text back like normal. If he had a valid reason he couldn’t get back to you, he will say. If he doesn’t, he sounds like a loser to think it’s ok to make a girl suffer, so you’ll find that out also.’ Wise Pharrell.
So I just sent a friendly text saying I am having dinner with a friend and that yes, my ears are burning from the sun because I was out in the park all day. No reply. Seriously? Is he now angry that I am having fun without him, instead of crying into my pillow? The verdict of the evening was that he is not very mature, and not worth wasting my time getting upset over this. Let him sulk, and I am not going to engage in childish games. I am not having fun in this relationship. I can’t fancy someone whom I cannot respect.
***
Four days later, he texts asking to see me for dinner the next evening before he goes to Italy for a holiday with his ex and daughter. I purposely didn’t reply. Just funny to see how he reacts if I did the same thing to him. But it’s only like overnight, not a few days so I have the right to respond in my own good time. Next morning, in a desperate bid for attention, he sends a long stream of text messages asking if I approve that he bought a new boat (an additional odd thing is that he suggested going away few weeks ago, then I said he can join me to visit my friend in Luxembourg, but he pulls out saying he has no money as if to get a reaction, but apparently enough money to buy a boat. He could just say that he doesn’t want to go to Luxemboug. Not lie to me.), how he plans to hire a Japanese woman now, whatever he can think of to stir up jealousy or any talking point. God knows. To give him the benefit of the doubt that he is not who I think he might be, I will talk to him in person. Text message alone can often be misleading.
I just sent a simple text back, as I am not really interested in anything he texted that morning, and rather preferred to speak in person before I start to get annoyed when I’m busy at work. ‘Meet me at the bar of Athenaem Hotel in Mayfair at 6pm today for coffee and we can talk.’
‘Crikey, that sounds a bit ominous. If you’ve met someone else or don’t want to be with me you can just say it – I am a big boy and I can take it, I promise!’
‘?’ I really have not met anyone, but I might start looking for someone else if he keeps acting like this ALL the time.
I met him in person at the hotel, and he was all tense and nervous, cowered in the smallest armchair available in the corner of the bar like a child about to be reprimanded by the headmistress, and pretended he didn’t know what was going on. Seriously, you are not a puppy, but a grown man. I ushered him to sit in a bigger plusher sofa, to make him more comfortable, I explained to him how he is coming across to me, and that frankly I don’t mind whether he can or can’t meet for dinner, but at least have the decency to let me know since he was the one who initiated the idea. I decided to accept his explanation that he did not read the texts properly and had bad reception. It can happen I guess? He apologised that it will never happen again, and would like another chance to prove to me. Yet he made sure to include some blame that I am being over sensitive, and that he can’t even text normally now because he thinks I am going to judge him. Maybe I am over sensitive? I don’t know. At least I thanked him for listening to me and trying to understand where I am coming from. Strangely, his pupils were dilated, perhaps from excitement that he was making me upset? Because he had my full attention? I have no idea.
That evening, I had a dream of lying on the beach with the Michelin star chef having fun, rolling in the sand, no worries in the world, and basking in the Mediterranean sun. From that evening onwards, all the while my boyfriend was spending time with his ex and daughter for over two weeks, I started to fantasise about the chef every day. He was someone I felt connected to even for a short period of time before I started seeing Tom. Do you think I am a bad person? Being lonely and manipulated in a relationship sucks.
***
This brings us back to the beginning of this story. Should I break up with Tom? You be the judge. Last conversation with him went like this. You know I tried.
‘I want to cancel the date tomorrow. I am not having fun in this relationship. I want to do my own things. By the way, am I going to be alone every holiday and on bank holidays if we are together?’
‘Well in fact I am free this bank holiday weekend if you wanted to spend time with me.’
‘I don’t want to be your back up plan.’ Cute sulky Peach. Haha. Awww, she needs a big hug and treated to a nice delicious cake for being neglected for over two weeks.
‘Come on, you knew full well when we started seeing each other that I have a child, so I will spend every holiday with my daughter and my ex. So yes, I guess you will be alone. Besides, it’s too early to be even talking about this.’
I was rather shocked. ‘EVERY holiday? I am not talking about now, but say in three to six months’ time if our relationship grows. Like Christmas. Can’t we incorporate everyone? I was hoping to be friends with your ex. Can your daughter take turns where to spend her holidays? We can take her on holidays together.’
He gets cross with me and starts to raise his voice. ‘I am sorry, that is not possible. Don’t you realise she is only 6 years old? Are you trying to destroy her Christmas? Christmas should be about happy memories. And we have family traditions. You clearly don’t understand how important Christmas is for small children.’ …do you think he is more interested in blaming someone, than addressing the issue? I am apparently very evil. Why does he escalate it to that extent when there is no need? All he had to say was, ‘Thank you for being understanding during the two weeks over Easter, and I know it might not be perfect, but let me come up with a suggestion and we can discuss.’ He is angry and blaming me again. By this point, it was not a suspicion, but a conviction that this is what he is really like. All the time.
I replied ‘I’ve always encouraged you to prioritise your daughter, and I never stopped you from doing that. But do you not care if I am alone and lonely every holiday? Why does it always involve your ex? It sounds like you already have a wife, not broken up with her. Why do you need a separate girlfriend? I say this as a friend, but wouldn’t it be better to try to make it work with your ex, especially because you have a child together? She is involved in everything, your business, dictating how and when you can see your daughter, and you said you are not even allowed to spend alone time with your daughter eventhough she is 6.’
He became even more cross ‘I told you before I don’t love her anymore! Don’t you see that my daughter is still very young, she needs her mother and they are joined at the hips. And please don’t question my relationship with my ex. I have the best relationship with my ex amongst all my friends who are separated and they are all jealous. My business is growing and it is doing well, I have a beautiful daughter, I have a fantastic relationship with my ex, and now I have you.’
He never had me though…, but no point arguing. ‘If you want to live a fulfilled life, not this fake perfection just for the show, I want to suggest an alternative where we align our lives to integrate everyone and compromise. Make everyone happy.’
‘Peach, there really is no space for you to be integrated. Don’t you understand we are dealing with a young child? My commitment is to my family in Italy. I am rather frustrated that you are calling to cancel seeing me, which I was very much looking forward to, and now you made me feel crap when I am hosting my friend who is staying over at my place while she is going through chemotherapy treatment and I don’t want to be discussing things like this. It is rude of you given her situation at hand. You just spoiled everything now. I obviously don’t want to break up with you, as you are someone I can see a future with, but I can’t really discuss all this over the phone, and I don’t really want to talk about this tonight when you are being impolite.’
He is again switching the argument and blaming me, and trying to guilt trip me. I am not angry, but disappointed that he is not capable of dealing with simple issues. Besides, who is this woman staying over? Not jealous or angry, just surprised. I wonder how he would react if he found out that a man was staying over at my flat without his knowledge, not that I would do that while in a relationship. Wouldn’t it be funny if I told him that just to wind him up? Don’t worry, I’m not that cruel. lol
‘Look, on the contrary, I am being polite to cancel in advance rather than stand you up, or be a bad company and waste the whole of your Friday evening. And I am sorry, but this call confirmed we are not compatible.’
Tom now uses a whiney tactic ‘Why do you say such a thing? We always have a great time together.’ Yes, on a superficial level, but you are not touching my heart or soul. I don’t need to look good to the outside world, or desperate for money or attention if it means staying in an unfulfilled relationship.
I say slowly, but calmly ‘I don’t want to live the life you’ve mapped out for me. Spending every holiday alone indefinitely sounds awful. What you are offering to me does not add value to my life or happiness. If you care about me, please leave me alone. I thought we might be able to build a future together, including your daughter, but I realised my life does not belong with your family or with you. You already have a wife, so you can’t be my boyfriend. I want to be alone and focus on myself.’
Tom is not happy. ‘We should discuss this properly in due course. Please don’t be difficult. I have to go and host my friend.’
‘No worries. Bye.’
I blocked him on my mobile after this conversation. It is sad as he is someone who has many good qualities yet doesn’t know how to look at his actions objectively, and ends up trapped in a vicious cycle without any progress to achieve his goals. I hope he finds someone who never wants to go on holiday with him, never wants to integrate his daughter in her life, likes being manipulated and lied to, agrees with him all the time, and thinks everything is her fault. I am not sure if this type of woman exists. It definitely is not me. Do you see how being manipulative does not lead to a loving and fulfilling relationship? I know people do this because they are desperate to be loved. I don’t follow what so called dating gurus trying to ‘teach’ you to make someone fall in love. That is because I want someone to fall in love with me for me, with my faults, and on their own accord. The new positive upbeat Peach version 2017 only wants positive and upbeat people surrounding her. Is that selfish? Am I a bitch? Am I a heartless evil woman who wants to destroy a child’s Christmas? I don’t know, I guess it depends on who you are talking to. Ask him. He should be happy that the evil witch is out of his life. ;)
***
‘So what happened?’ Flora asked. I explained that he expected me to be alone every holiday, and more interested in keeping up appearances, and got angry that I am not who he wants me to be and act according to his script, so my feeling unfortunately didn’t grow, and we broke up.
‘Isn’t it strange, that we are looking for something simple; a man who is real, who loves you as you are, and isn’t it strange that many men can’t seem to grasp this simple concept and instead pretend to be someone else or try to force their own ideas onto you.’ Flora is so sweet. The blonde Grace Kelly amongst our friends.
It’s nice to have good friends. Irina, not Shayk the supermodel, but from the same Central Asian/Russian stock with dark hair against striking big beautiful grey eyes, was encouraging me to enjoy my life.
‘Darling, I hope you are feeling ok. I am going for a drink with my friend tomorrow night. You should join us. He will totally love you. He was voted Tatler’s most eligible bachelor some years ago.’
‘Irina, thank you for trying to cheer me up. I don’t trust Tatler’s list. I should see his Uber rating first as it is likely to be more accurate. Haha.’
‘I know, these lists don’t impress me either as it is the person inside that matters more. I thought it’s funny to mention it for novelty purpose.’ What is this? Crufts dog show, complete with pedigree? We both burst out laughing.
My life sounds more fun to spend time with people who want the best for me, and vice versa. It is not even Tom’s fault. He simply didn’t know what he wanted or how to achieve it and blamed other people, because it was beyond his capacity. I don’t want to be sucked into that mess. On the other hand, I know what I want out of my life. I want to be with someone who likes me as I am, and we help each other achieve individual and joint dreams, grow together, and definitely no blaming. It is normal to have problems and issues, but we will own our fear and problems and work towards resolving them. Tom is just not that person. Can’t blame him. At least I gave it a go. You only find things out by trying. No regrets.
****
I will write about more extreme cases on how the conversation escalates in an abusive relationship, where the other person blames you in order to justify hitting or kicking you, even worse, pushing you down the stairs. I’ve been through all that. Trust your gut. You don’t need to question yourself. Don’t worry, it is not always your fault, no matter what they make you believe. They usually are someone to be pitied as they are so insecure and crumbling inside that they think controlling or hurting someone else makes them feel better. In another story. You can trust that I’m on your side. Always.
Chat later!
Love Peach xxx
*Note: Some names and information have been changed under my artistic license and to protect individual confidentiality.
